2.The service was beautiful, everyone cried when your mother read us the letter you wrote your last words to but why was it even needed, you should have told me when you could. I’m angry at you for leaving me alone and angry at myself for being so selfish.
3.I shouted your name across the bridge on Winter street today, that rusting blue one we used to smoke unfiltered cigarettes under when we fifteen and convinced of our coolnes. I don’t think it remembered me.
4. Josh misses you. We all do and today was his birthday, he’s grown up so much baby, you should see him.
5. I got angry at your God when someone handed me a flyer on forgiveness because they should be asking me for some, not the other way round but I know you loved Him and I’m trying to remember that when my praying hands become fists pounding against the wall.
6. I got a tattoo of a bird on my chest in the hope it’ll remind me to let go every once in a while, I didn’t think you’d mind I used your drawing.
7. That girl you met in hospital died this morning, her mother just called choking on tears and I didn’t have the words to give that would stop them.
8. I haven’t stopped writing sad poetry since you left.
9. Jake is marrying Emily tomorrow. They asked me to be part of the wedding but I couldn’t because they’re all going to be so happy and I can’t stop crying because he’s your brother, and you should be the maid of honour, and we should be getting drunk on the steps afterwards together toasting their happiness in vodka.
10. I’m sorry for all the things I never had the time to say to you and for not looking at your art work because I had a paper to write. I’m sorry I put people before you because I always assumed you’d be there to come back to at the end of the day.
11. Why the fuck did you have to die, we were supposed to be nineteen and invincible.
12. There’s still days I wake up hearing you call my name and it opens healing wounds like a knife, and I am haunted by the idea I could have saved you and you’re screaming in my dreams.
13. I bought a puppy today, the doctor thinks it’ll be a nice outlet for me to try to care for something you’ve never touched or laid eyes on. I’ve called him Atlas because he’s carrying my world on his tiny little shoulders now.
14. I drank too much coffee today, and it tasted like the last kiss you gave me, bitter and longing, I had four more until the strings in my heart tripped over themselves.
15. It’s been three hundred and sixty five days since your heart stopped beating a love song to your bones. I hope you don’t mind that I’m getting drunk.
16. You had no right to make me love you and not love yourself enough for us to be together, you had no right to think I’d be better off without you, I’m not. I’ve spent eighteen months trying to scrub your fingers from my skin and unwind the memory of you from my mind.
17. There’s more drugs in my veins than I am proud of right now and you’re still stitched into them like cancer.
18. I don’t know how to stop being broken and I’m twenty one on Sunday and you didn’t just die, I think I did too.
19. Is it okay if I come to find you?"